Blog Post: Ten Tips For Dealing with a Frigid Spouse

When you’ve been raised in an environment in which sex is shameful, it isn’t unusual to be sexually frigid or marry someone who is. I must disclose that I am not a huge fan of the term frigid because it can be used as a diss and in a disrespectful manner.

That said, the way I am using is it to describe someone who is having a difficult time embracing their sexuality and being vulnerable and affectionate with their spouse. It is nothing to be ashamed of. I think it is quite common coming out of purity culture and even in general culture where women who enjoy sex are viewed in a derogatory fashion.

While I am operating with the terminology that the woman is the frigid spouse throughout this article, please understand that the man can be as well. I am choosing to convey it this way for the sake of brevity and what I see most commonly.

It can be frustrating to have a spouse that is seemingly not as interested in sex as you are, and that can lead to marital issues and arguments, among other things. Here are my tips for dealing with a frigid spouse!

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10 Tips For Dealing With A Sexually Frigid Spouse


I don’t feel safe

"I don't feel safe."

Those were the words that I told my husband last night on the living room floor, in tears.

The past few weeks, months really, have been difficult.

I continue to receive sexually charged messages, videos, and photos from men who are strangers to me. On YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. And usually, we have a mutual friend. They are part of a community, have a good job, have a family, and children. I block one, and two more pop up, like a hydra.

It is maddening to deal with, quite frequently these days, but it isn’t solely what caused my breakdown last night.

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Tips for Dealing with a Sexually Frigid Spouse

#27 – 10 Tips for Dealing With A Sexually Frigid Spouse

Purity culture often reinforces frigid behaviors that already are impressed upon women when it comes to sex. This leads many spouses to confusion and sexual frustration.

In this podcast episode of The Scarlet Virgins, Rebecca offers 10 Tips for Dealing with a Sexually Frigid Spouse.

I did not have the energy to write out a post to accompany this like I mentioned in the podcast but all the content is within the podcast. I am still looking for a Christian sex therapist to recommend, when I find one I will update this. 🙂

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Missed Flights and Bili Lights

My little family and I were supposed to board a plane to California awhile back, but we missed the flight. We did end up making it to California in December though, for a podcast recording or two and live show.

I don’t want to get into details but we were all pretty broken up about it. Part of the issue was that we had to double back to try to find my son’s birth certificate. Between missing the flight, the season change, and the stress of digging through medical papers from birth, that day was pretty dark for me.

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Live Show Recorded in California

In early December, our family was flown out to California for me to speak about purity culture at the Virtue in the Wasteland Christmas Party in addition to recording a podcast with them which you can find here. It was an amazing trip and I miss California and the folks from Legacy 1517 and ViW so much.

Here is the live recording of the show, I hope you enjoy the whole show.

Virtue In The Wasteland Christmas Party

Discernment in Recovery Groups

The Scarlet Virgins Episode #26 – Discernment in Recovery Groups

For folks who are recovering from childhood abuses (legalism, physical abuse, cults, etc), recovery groups seem like a good resource for recovery. But are some recovery groups worse for you than the thing you were originally recovering from (or at least compounding the trauma)? Kicking wounded people while they are down?

In this podcast episode of The Scarlet Virgins, Rebecca shares her thoughts on why we need to use discernment when it comes to these kinds of communities.

Listen in iTunes

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If you would like to buy the book, you can do so here:

The Scarlet Virgins


Thank you so much to The Neighborhood for this award!

The Neighborhood

The Neighborhood Alumni

“There are times when ‘thank you’ is not quite enough.”
– Kendall F. Person, The Neighborhood Creator


It’s A Beautiful Day
by Lola Gets


On behalf of The Neighborhood, inclusive of the artists, the voting committees, the chairs and the audience, it gives me great pleasure to introduce the….

2017 The Neighborhood Award
Recipients  of  ‘OUR HIGHEST HONOR’

Our Highest Honor Rebecca Lemke, Lahoma OK * Jamal Marvelle, Indianapolis IN  Kelly Lewis, Los Angeles CA

They are such different people, from very different parts of a randomly confused United States. Each represents different demographics, that until last night when sweet home Alabama became the adult in the room, halting a cliff divide by a leary nation, perhaps not these three, but others like them may have taken it all the way. The trio walked in at separate times, all wanting to give something of themselves and needing to receive…

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What My Toddler’s Tantrum Taught Me About Scarcity and Abuse

“Get up.” I instructed, quite tersely, for the millionth time. My son and I stood outside the local post office in a battle of the wills. He wanted to go to “Nana’s house” while I simply wanted to accomplish a quick, easy errand.

From the moment we received the pink slip in the mail, I knew that the trip to retrieve the package was going to be hellish. Something about the post office sets my son off like nothing else. It could be the cranky employees who are known for being rude and mistreating customers, it could be the fact that his little internal sensor recognizes we parked in a thirty minute parking space (the time of which he was quickly taking up with his shenanigans), or perhaps he could sense my paper-thin patience wearing out. Whatever the reason, he was acting up something fierce…

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Interview with the author of the book “Sexy” – Dr. Jeff Mallinson

Scarlet Virgins Podcast Episode #25 – Interview with the author of “Sexy” – Dr. Jeff Mallinson

In this episode, recorded live in California at Professor Mallinson’s home, Rebecca interviews the author of the book “Sexy” about finding erotic virtue in perplexing times.

Among the things discussed: the “sin of Onan,” Prostitution, Sexual Assault, Victim Blaming, Hollywood, and Christian Sexual Ethics.

I think you guys are really going to love this interview with Jeff! If you’d like to hear more from him check out his work on, and look up his book “Sexy” on Amazon.

Listen Online here at the bottom of the page or by going to The Scarlet Virgins Podcast in iTunes (subscribers will already be notified of this episode being released, but it may take a few hours for it to show in iTunes – I apologize for the inconvenience.

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