I thought it fitting that I post this here. Where it all started, in much the same fashion. My son is currently sleeping on me, just like he was the night I started this blog.
I’d post this on my self-hosted site, but I feel like WordPress is much more personal and intimate for some reason.
I should be working on my book right now on purity culture, The Scarlet Virgins, but I’m scared.
I’m scared I’ll never be able to order it all correctly. I’m scared I’ll be torn apart for holding my Christian convictions about sex even though I reject legalism. I’m scared I’ll lose friends over this being published. I’m scared people won’t understand. I’m scared because I don’t want to be the next Joshua Harris if I say something wrong. I’m terrified no one will read it, and terrified some one will. I’m worried what I say won’t be relevant, but even more scared that it will be.
I’m scared people will think I am being dramatic with my thesis that the way Christians talk about sex and purity directly influences their children’s view of who God is. I’m scared parents will be hurt by the things revealed in this book, because they were just trying their best to avoid their children being in pain in the same way they were as young adults.
I’m scared of the impact my words might have on other people’s lives. I’m scared to disappointed, but even more scared that God will use me to start the healing process of a broken sexuality in many.
I’m scared people will think I’m judgmental or self-righteous because I stuck with my Christian convictions and didn’t have sex before I got married. I’m scared people won’t see that I genuinely love my friends that haven’t done the same and I don’t think they are lesser for what they’ve done.
I’m scared my book will change someone’s world, for better or worse. I’m scared that I won’t meet my deadline of the 31st for finishing it and sending it to the editor so I can take my vacation without worrying about it.
I’m scared I’ll get it done, put it up, and not have any help marketing it. I’m scared I’ve wasted my time on it. I’m scared people will get lost in the weeds on theological points we disagree on and miss my main message, that is Jesus. I’m scared people won’t think it is a real book because I want to self publish and because it will likely be under 40,000 words.
I’m scared people will get angry over definitions or feeling like I’m blaming them instead of accepting my vulnerability in trying to tackle this with understanding and sympathy for both the parents and the children. I’m scared I’m an idiot for attempting this in the first place. I’m scared of it making an impact and never knowing how big of one.
I’m scared that people will think I’m weird for loving some people so much that I’d dedicate months of my life to writing a book to honor our loss and pain, even if they never read it. I’m scared my love for them will be seen as weakness, as “too much” or as unnecessary.
I’m scared my anger, sarcasm and snark will show through in some topics will detract from what is really important. I’m scared of leading people astray or what I’ve said being used to give license to sin.
I’m scared that this will be an answer to an unanswered prayer of mine from a lot time ago. I’m scared when I am done I will be sad and wonder what is next in my life. I’m scared that I look back at what I’ve written and wonder where this was when I needed it. I don’t even recognize my own words, to the point that I read them and feel relief, only to realize it isn’t a stranger’s voice speaking through the pages, but my own.
This project has changed me, it has changed my life, and I’m scared.
TL;DR: I’m scared guys, about a lot.
Please, pray for me. Pray for my book. Most of all, pray for the people I love, who are lost and hurting.